When the doctor told me that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, I asked him (as you do) if I would die. He then replied, 'We all will.'. And no, I didn't hit him for his stupid answer.
I know that we all will die someday, but I'm not ready just yet. Not because I'm selfish and just want to live forever - on the contrary, the thought of immortality is about as tempting as getting my eyelid caught on a rusty nail. It's simply because my children are too young. At the end of the day, A will survive if this cancer claims me in the end (hopefully he'll have a pretty good mourning period though) but I am the children's mother and they need me still. I believe that no-one can surpass a mother's love for her children and I need to make sure that they're fully equipped to face the big bad world out there before I go. So until that happens, I will be clinging on to life with gritted teeth.
No one can surpass you now, tomorrow or ever. You made them and they are you. You are just coming to terms with the diagnosis and I know that it is terrifying but you are soooo far away from even thinking of not being here!!!! We have coffee to do and walks to do. So just do that age old cliche of taking each hour as it comes and don't grit your teeth. You looks so much more gorgeous when you smile xxxxx
ReplyDeleteAmen to that, Anonymous. *hugs to you Chinot*
ReplyDeleteWise words on these comments Chinot, you're certainly a long way from such thoughts, but it is only natural to run the gamut of them all, dark and light, and of course if you decide to remain more with the light ones that means it metaphorically lights up the shadows of course but far more importantly it gives you and your body a physiological change (brain,dopamine etc etc)...so do try to smile, it's obviously difficult and horrific,but it is not insurmountable...and you are certainly NOT a slave to the cancer...okay, what I'm saying is part of the process,acceptance, not in a negative manner but a positive one that you do have...for example (metaphor time again!) you're in a tug of war between you and this "cancer monster", pulling at you wanting to pull you into this abyss between you, and you pull back as hard as you can, with all your strength...but what if you simply let go of that rope that binds you to that monster? The monster is still there across that abyss, and you are still the other side but expending no energy pulling that rope, it's all still the same except that you have that acceptance, that energy does not turn in on itself and you direct it wherever you want...you are not a slave to the cancer Chinot. Okay so have a look at the old serenity prayer...I know it's easy to spout platitudes to anyone, but we all love you and know without doubt that you will come through this however difficult it will become. xx
ReplyDeleteA and his mourning period will not happen until the far, far future.
ReplyDeleteYour future grandkids are lucky to have a lola like you. But don't take it from me: you'll hear it from them.
Amen to that again.
ReplyDeleteYou're not selfish Chinot. Yes, I can imagine that the mortality issue is very daunting, but I am secure in the knowledge that you will survive this and live to the ripe old age of 88 (the average woman's life span - something I picked up from the insurance business :)). Your children need you and you will be there for them every step of the way. We're all praying for you, and He is listening :)
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