Woke up yesterday morning to find an email message from L, telling me that perhaps I should have a more positive bent on my blog entries. This surprised me; for although I do have my 'woe is me' moments, I feel that I have been pretty upbeat and positive in my general outlook. However, I do apologise if my blog has been moan-y and victim-like: these are two traits I dislike immensely and the thought that I have been such appalls me.
Admittedly, after reading the said email, I did try and focus on the positive: I have had friends and family rally round and send me their love and energy; something that I've certainly drawn a lot of strength from. I spend more time being 'in the moment' rather than trying to multitask and not appreciating the beauty of everyday occurrences. I feel surrounded by love and thus feel more love for my family and the very special people around me.
At the end of the day however, this cancer has really been a bugger: I hate the fact that it has taken away the security I used to feel and I hate the vulnerability that has come with it. I resent the fact that I am unable to lead my life the way I want because I am a slave to doctors' appointments, scans, and numerous blood tests and injections. And being upbeat about a cancer diagnosis is hard work; after all, the common perception is that cancer is a death sentence. This is incorrect and I know that this is not the case for me: breast cancer is the most researched cancer and has a very high rate of success. However, although I know this as fact, the word cancer has such a stigma attached to it that the question of survival ultimately comes into the picture.
I could, I suppose, be more positive - however, I write this blog mostly for myself - it makes me think and assess all that I am going through whilst purging myself of the negative feelings I may have. And at the end of the day, the only way I can make this work is by being honest to myself and writing about what I feel and my experiences - whether it be with a mad "Reiki Master" or the heartbreak of an unexpected result.
At risk of sounding flippant, the lyric 'it's my party and I'll cry if I want to' comes to mind. The following line 'you would cry too if it happened to you' also seems entirely apt.
ReplyDeleteI think you are immensely brave to write this blog in the first place....I doubt I'd have the courage. Blog on to your hearts content.
Valley girl.
You be how you need to be Chinot. It's your blog, your illness, your show. I am sure through the whole thing you will run the whole gamit of emotions, good days, crap days and some days you just wish would go away. But hopefully the benefit of the blog is that you will find an outlet for your feelings and fears and of course the joy and good news that will be part all this too. And you will have friends there to listen and to care and to comment. Perhaps some people find the cancer diagnosis too scary to want to talk in depth about it or hear too much about it. They hum loudly so they can't hear! They care too much to want to think about you being ill. But you are facing up to it in the most amazing way and you are an inspiration. And a very good looking lesbian! Hope you've found some dungarees. Thinking of you today. Lynne x
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