A Question of Mortality

I remember very well the day that I received the telephone call from hospital, asking me to go back because there had been a shadow in my mammogram result. It was a Thursday and I was just on my way out to pick up the children from school. I cried most of the way there as I was terribly frightened; I only composed myself once I was on the school road.

The next few weeks were no better as I vacillated from one emotion to the other - from incredulity, self-pity, anger and extreme sadness. I couldn't shake the idea of death; I thought of my children, my husband and the family and friends I would leave behind. Things however changed as soon as my treatment began - I knew that I was on the road to wellness and although I would have a few months having to deal with the unfortunate side-effects of chemotherapy and surgery, there was a deadline to it and by Christmas I would be a picture of health.

Last Sunday, my blog was featured on the front page of one of the Philippines' top broadsheet newspapers. As a consequence, I have received messages from friends, acquaintances and even strangers all wishing me well. However, I have found that some of the messages have saddened me - although they have been sent with the best intentions, some of them have had a tinge of fatalism, as if I have been given the death sentence with my cancer diagnosis. So I have found myself, once again, thinking of death. Or the possibility of this treatment not working.

This has freaked me out - I had reached the point wherein I thought of my cancer as a temporary affliction that will be cured. The thought of the chemotherapy not working, or the possibility of a recurrence had not crossed my mind since I started treatment in May. I need, desperately, to get out of this mindset - as I believe that a positive attitude is one thing that will most definitely get me through this (hopefully) temporary nightmare.