Friday, 8 April 2011

Psycho-femme, que'est-ce que c'est?

I knew, the moment I woke up, that today would be a struggle. Which is why I forced myself to go to the gym and was pretty proud of myself for having done so. (After all, I was just in surgery last Tuesday.) But I felt strong afterwards - I suppose the endorphins kicked in. Later in the day the children and I had a picnic lunch outside in the garden which was absolutely lovely.

However, there was only so much I could do. By 3pm I found myself bawling my head off at the injustice of it all. Suddenly, all the confidence I had in the doctors and the medical staff was gone. My tumour was incurable, I was going to die. My children were going to grow up without a mother. I would have to find my husband a new wife (it's all about control, even A.D.) I called the the Breast Cancer Clinic nurse, cried my head off with her. I called Macmillan and did the same. I then got hold of my friend M, who suffered from breast cancer a little over five years ago and was soothed by her. She prayed for me, and made me laugh. Suddenly, everything was fine again. I am going to live. A will not be forced to marry a second-rate version of me (no way am I choosing some alpha female) and I will meet my children's children.

I think I will have to accept that these psycho days are going to be part and parcel of the whole C experience. It's very unnerving - I can only compare it to watching Comic Relief* every other day. I can just imagine though how much more uncomfortable it is for the recipients of my manic emotions. This is an excerpt from a conversation the other day when the children's music teacher called:

R: Hi, I was just confirming that it's still okay to come on Tuesday?
Me: (stifled sob)
R: Sorry?
Me: Hoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwlllllllllll!!!

People will start to think I'm crazy.

*Comic Relief is an annual British fundraising drive for children in Africa and the UK. They intersperse funny, side-splitting sketches with the most heartbreaking images of dying and impoverished children.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Chinot,

    I read through all your posts and I found myself in an emotional roller coaster doing so: teary-eyed in one post and smiling in the other. I understand the different emotions you are going through right now because of a brief and similar experience I had in 2004 when I thought I would never be able to walk again due to a spine condition that left me bed-ridden for 2 weeks after giving birth to R. Through God's grace (prayers from family and friends), Mom B's fervent intervention i.e. finding a good spine surgeon to fix my back, and my A's love and care-giving skills...I have since been 100% again except for my inability to wear heels higher than 2 inches.:)

    I am truly blessed to have married into the G family, Chinot. The strength of this family is lies in hope. Other families (including mine) would have been mired in despair and paralized because of deep sadness...not the Gs. We attack the problem as a unit and face the challenge knowing that a joyful answer is just around the corner. We are your prayer warriors, Chinot. We will face this bugger crab together as a family.

    Take care and hugs and kisses to you, A and the kids.


    P.S. Why are we doing the initials thing...I am just following your lead. :)

    P.S.S. Apologies for my blogger handle...its really been doritos eversince.