In my determination to prove to myself that this cancer thing would not get me down I made a decision to live my life as close to normal as I could. Thus, a lot of offers of help were turned down and I made it a point to be as active as I could. In so doing, I started to feel my normal self again.
However, every now and then little things would happen which would remind me that things were not all good: whether it would be from looks of pity thrown my way or just bashing my port. But I would just brush these events off and pick myself up and start all over again. Yesterday however I fell hard and found it very difficult get up.
It started off with a full day at a self-defence class. I thoroughly enjoyed the class as it made me feel strong and empowered; however, I started to flag by the afternoon session. I soldiered on, but I found myself so tired that I started to lose concentration. I ended leaving the class nearly an hour early and so frustrated at my inability to finish it. I cycled home (yes I know, how silly, but I had cycled to the venue) and immediately hit the shower. Where my hair fell in droves. I thought I was prepared for this, but seeing my hair all over the bath was terribly distressing. Poor LH had to deal with the flood of tears and the self-pity that this brought on - how do you deal with a woman who feels weak and ugly?
The problem is that I was determined to prove to myself that this evil affliction would not change me - and in my determination, I overdid it with exercise and activity. I found myself exhausted. And although I talked and joked about my hair falling out, I secretly hoped that I would be spared. But I am weaker as a result of the drugs coursing through my body. And why should I be spared the trauma of hair loss? I need to accept that chemotherapy has unfortunate side effects because until I do so, it will always be a fight between myself and the cancer treatment which I will lose. But only for now. Because at the end of it all, I may find myself bald and weak, but I will be the ultimate winner.