Monday, 9 May 2011

A Day at a Time

Last Friday, feeling not as quite as rough as the previous days, I decided to download a yoga app on my iPad and preceded to do a 40-minute (gentle) yoga workout, followed by "meditation" (ie I slept). Apparently, it was not as gentle a session as I had intended because it completely knocked me out the next day. As a consequence, I ended missing out on a lovely supper at K's. So, I've learnt my lesson and have been taking it easy. Yesterday, I forayed out of the house for the first time and walked around the village. I had to get out as I was beginning to suffer from cabin fever.

Today however is LH's mum's birthday, so what better excuse to finally venture forth. So armed with a steely determination, we drove to the nearest mall where we sat and had a light meal (I find myself hungry every couple of hours or so - apparently my hopes that cancer would make me lose weight are misguided). We trawled the shops before I noticed a panic rising in my chest and the desperate need to leave overcame me. I felt that every single person I was coming into contact with was harboring germs that would stop me on this road to wellness; every unintentional cough was going to send me straight to hospital. We immediately left and once back on the road thought that I had been rather hasty, so rather than going straight home, we passed another shop, where we proceeded to do a bit of food shopping. The first half-hour were fine, but again, the panic took hold and I needed to get out.

I know - in retrospect - that my fears are ridiculous. I cannot spend the weeks between chemotherapy sessions stuck at home. But I just want to get better and any setback, caused by any form of infection, would thoroughly upset me.

I just want to get well!


  1. I guess that must be perfectly natural? The need for normality constantly wrestling with self-preservation. I think you have done brilliantly to do some yoga, shopping and walking round the village when it is not even a week since chemo. As you say: a day at a time. Any long journey starts with one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Keep going girlfriend. ;) x

  2. Simone is right you are doing amazingly well, you just need to eat the elephant in small chunks
    Hang in there
    Mike and Mary

  3. Look here's the thing. Honestly. I am in total awe of you. If it was me I'd be buried under the duvet, emailing from the Ipad (NOT downloading yoga) instructions to people to bring me my every whim, be that anti bacterial scrub, organic yogurt or repeats of The Simpsons. I would need people to yell at me to get out of bed and keep it real (like I ever was real.....) However, it would appear that you need a little team of cheerleaders shouting 'Under the duvet, under the duvet..' cause it is FINE for you to not be doing everything that you normally do. And just cause you're not doing it doesn't make you more ill or less ill. You have to find that happy place somewhere in the middle. And you will. This is sooooo early days. By the end of it I envisage that you will be running yoga sessions from under your duvet. But you are creating a new norm for you throughout this and it will take a while for you to recognise it. You may just have to go more with the flow which is very hard for a seasoned spinning class girl like you! Hugs. Lynne xx

  4. The effects of chemo are cumulative so you are going to feel much worse at the end than you do now. It's good that you are keeping your body in shape, it will help you.

    I was exhausted by the end, no way I could do yoga. Your whites get low and you are breathless. However, you will find you still can do the things you truly want to do. I chaperoned a group of 500 middle schoolers on a field trip 100 miles from my house at the end of my chemo - when I was at my nadir. I survived the experience. :) You know what the worst part was? My wig! Those things are uncomfortable. I wore scarves most times but I didn't want to freak out the kids.

    Instead, I freaked them out my scratching my head all day - one arm holding down the fake hair so I wouldn't twist it off, while the second hand tried to soothe the itching discomfort. Wigs are horrible!

    I hope there is never a next time but if there is...I'm freaking out the kids and wearing a scarf. :)

    You'll get through it and you'll be just fine. Find the funny parts, is my advice.

  5. Brilliant advice. And how fantastic from someone who's been there and come out the other end. Hope you have a good Tuesday.

  6. That's a coincidence. I tried to enrol on a yoga class at the local gym last week. The instructor asked me how flexible I was.
    I replied 'well I can't do Tuesdays'.

  7. More brilliant advice!!!! lol xxxx